These thoughts may be a few weeks late, but than again they do say the Gates of Repentance are never fully shut. Last night I was speaking with a friend about accepting people for who they are, and we got into the difficulty of accepting ourselves for who we are. My friend, I hope he'll forgive me for bringing up our discussion, mentioned how difficult it is for him during tefilla to move past the errors of his past. I've discussed this topic a bit with my d'var on Vayeshev, but I had a few interesting ideas last night that I'd like to expand upon.
My friend said at one point, "I know full well that I'll be spending the full year in Gehenna.". I was shocked when he said this. It reminded me of the story of a Rabbi who receives word from heaven that he has lost his place in the World to Come, and the Rabbi celebrates because now he can perform mitzvot with no ulterior motive. It's not the same, but confidence that your going to Gehenna to me sounds just as bad as confidence that you will be entering the World to Come.
What really bothered me about it, is that it shows an emphasis on the yirah shamaayim, fear of Heaven, versus ahavah, love. We all have those things we've done that seem to bog us down at times. Yom Kippur comes, we try to repent, and hopefully Hashem forgives. How often do we forgive ourselves though? Yom Kippur is only a day for a reason. Not because Hashem is only willing to hear our requests for forgiveness on this day, but because Hashem wants us to move past our mistakes rather than focus on them. It's like the mourning process, in which there is a specified amount of time in which you can mourn for a person, and than you're expected to move on with life. There is a specified time for you to repent for your mistakes, Yom Kippur, after which you need to then move on.
It's much easier said than done, moving past your mistakes, but that is why tefilla has a prayer for forgiveness. This prayer gives us the opportunity to take a minute three times a day to either remind ourselves that we need to move on, or for us to address new problems and fix them. It isn't meant to make us focus on our mistakes, pulling us down into a pit of despair. If anything it's meant as a release.
When we focus on our mistakes, believing that they are unforgivable, or that we will be punished for them, we underestimate Hashem's love. We doubt Hashem's ability to forgive, and we contribute to the myth of a cruel vindictive god. We need to have faith that Hashem loves us and knows what is best for us. The best way to do this is by doing what's best for ourselves, by forgiving ourselves and moving forward with our lives.
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